I've been thinking about a lot of things. Intentionality has been something that I've been aspiring to. I think I've made great steps in becoming more aware of
what it is that I truly want and why I want it. On the other hand, there is still a barrier- I am afraid to truly face myself. Can you blame me? It's been a very
difficult year. I don't like to feel vulnerable, so putting this out there for the world to see is similarly painful. I've been battling with the idea of betrayal,
and more specifically, learning to trust both others and yourself after feeling betrayed or hurt. For so long, I've felt like an automaton of my former self- going
through the motions. Very fatalistically, I was convinced I would die. Nothing to hope for or to pull me away from what was presently so agonizing. It was hard.
There seemed to be no other conclusion to my situation. It was both logical and practical because I did not truly care for myself. To care for yourself is to hope,
and to hope is to set yourself up for potential disappointment. It's an incredibly hard step to take when you're both inclined towards and extremely fearful of pain.
similarly, when I felt marginally better, I was forced to contend with what felt like wasted time. I still contend with it. I hope that by putting this out there,
I can remind myself (and maybe you) of what has happened and what is to come. There is beauty and wonder if you are willing to seek it out- and it's work! You do
have to seek it out. It sucks, but I think that it's worth it. Love always
- Amiya
